Mixed emotions from the discernment process

Note: The following is simply a reflection of my initial thoughts and feelings througout my own personal discernment process, and is not intended to serve as an account of the process or disclose any private comments that were made during this process.

The leadership discernment process is over, and the basic result is that I was not selected at the chairperson.  I definitely am holding a bag of mixed emotions within me at this point, feelings that are extremely important to process.  One side of me is very relieved and very joyous. I am happy with the result and the person whom was called forth to be chair.  I have a sense of relief because I no longer need to fret about the balance of my schedule, the stress of a larger sense of responsibility, and the grief of giving up some of the duties I most enjoy (i.e. maintaining the web site).  A large part of me is joyous.

Still, there is a sense of disappointment, and my initial confidence in my abilities & perceived value is definitely shaken from this experience.  Throughout the rest of the day I’ve been left to question whether I was the only one that felt called to put my name out there as chairperson.  Before the final selection process, I made some comments that may have been perceived as radical.  I was definitely honest in my view of the challenges facing this organization, and I think the suggestions I offered may have simply been too radical and challenging – the changes too drastic, to the people listening.  I am left to wonder whether I would have been truly better of keeping my mouth shut when it came time to offer suggestions.

I feel I definitely offer a unique perspective in this process.  Being a non-traditional student with over 6 years of involvement in Campus Ministry has definitely shaped me differently.  My struggles with Campus Ministry at J23 have given me some unique experiences from which I base my motivation and advocacy.

In the end I wonder if I am better for the experience for participating in this experience.  This is the second year I’ve participated and in a joking way I can say I’m 0-2 in this process.  I would like to think of it as God calling me to be doing something different, to devote my energies elsewhere (God knows I have enough else going on at this point).  I am ultimately glad I stepped forward and put my name out there, but there is defintely a degree of doubt and pain I’ve taken from this process.